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Ask DianeBlending Our Family
by Diane Riley
Dear Diane:I have a teenage step-daughter who gets very defensive and angry when I ask her to help with the chores around the house. Can you give me a quick tip on how I can enlist her cooperation and create more harmony at home? Frustrated & Frazzled
Dear Frustrated & Frazzled:The best advice I can give you in this situation is to put yourself in your step-daughter’s shoes and show some love and compassion for her. She is probably feeling very hurt and unloved as a result of her parents’ separation and is expressing her anger as a means of releasing her bottled-up frustration.
What I suggest you do when she express her anger is take a deep breath (or two) to calm and centre yourself. Then repeat back to her, with feeling, what she said as closely as you can. This will show her that you are listening and care about her feelings. Then you can ask her if she has anything more to say and continue repeating her until she is finished.
Mirroring is the first step in Harville Hendrix’s Imago Communication Technique and is a very effective way of building trust in relationships. Although you may initially get resistance to this approach, keep trying because, eventually, you will be delighted at how your step-daughter will open up to you. For more information, see the Resources Section below.Dear Diane: My husband and I have a blended family with children from both sides. We love each other very much and really want to make this family dynamic work. However, it is very challenging at times, especially with regard to parenting his eldest teenage son. What makes this even more difficult is that my husband is often out-of-town on business so I am left to fend for myself.
Please give me some suggestions to create greater harmony and peace in our household so that we can create a long-lasting relationship that does not allow our children to come between us. Stressed Out
Dear Stressed Out: First of all, let me say that I admire your courage in taking on this challenge; you and your partner must feel a lot of love for each other. And it is love that will keep you together - love for each other as well as for your children.
Your step-son is likely feeling abandoned and, therefore, unloved, so the best thing that your husband can do in this situation is to spend more quality one-on-one time with his son so that he feels loved and cared for. If at all possible, I suggest that your husband purposely cuts down his travel schedule, while his son is adjusting to his new family life. This will demonstrate to him that their relationship is more important than his dad’s work. If it is not feasible to do that, the next best thing would be to make regular telephone calls to check in with him and ask how he is doing, in general, and with his schoolwork and friends. I also suggest that they schedule time together on the weekends for fun activities to strengthen their father/son bond.
A family agreement is another great tool you can use to establish a spirit of cooperation, harmony, unity and love and to create a win-win situation for all of the members of your family. This pre-determined agreement, with input from your step-son, will also make it much easier for you to discipline your step-son when your husband is not there. Some of the areas that could be covered in the agreement include Purpose, Objective, Benefits Statement, Goals, Responsibilities (Contribution), Commitments, Finances, Entertaining, Values, Rules, Consequences and Counseling.
Because teenagers tend to be conveniently forgetful, it would be a good idea to post a list of weekly household responsibilities on the fridge and have a place where each person can write their initials once their job is complete. Rewards can be given for a job well done and/or the whole family could do something special together to celebrate.
Teenagers are constantly testing the edges of the envelope to assert themselves and break away from parental and other authority figures. But, believe it or not, deep down inside they still want guidance and support as well as love, respect, and trust. What they must understand is they have to earn your respect and trust but that you’ll love them no matter what they do. If they really “get” that, they will feel comfortable talking to you about anything - even when they get into trouble. The importance of this cannot be overemphasized because the sooner they go to you, when in trouble, the easier it will be to avert a potential disaster.
Another good strategy to use is a regular family circle as a forum so that all family members can share their concerns, successes and what they are grateful for. This is a good time to both give and ask for support and to make plans for family outings and vacations. Children will actually look forward to these gatherings as an opportunity to speak out and be heard by their elders. The most important thing for you, as a step-parent, to remember is to listen intently and with an open heart.
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Diane Riley is a Life Mastery Coach & Author who is committed to helping people find deeper purpose and meaning in their lives. Diane currently lives, works, and plays in beautiful South Surrey, British Columbia, Canada.
To arrange for an exploratory coaching session or to subscribe to Diane’s complimentary e-zine, “Magical Wisdom for Everyday Living”, contact her at diane.riley@telus.net
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